I AM a dreamer.
[Friday, Aug. 28, 2009] -
You see, every day I ask myself, "What kind of person am I?". And not every day I come to the same conclusions. I guess... this is something that happens to many people.
But, there is one thing that I've always been sure about:
I am a dreamer.
That is not in question. I've always been a dreamer, a visionary. And so it's meant to be, forever. All day, be it awake, or while I'm asleep, I'm dreaming. Why do you think I write so much about dreams? Almost every single one of my stories has something to do with dreams. Two of the best examples are (and the titles speak for themselves), Where Dreams Begin and The Dream Agency.
I am also aware that I am more artistically inclined. And yet, to the surprise of many, including myself today, the first thing I thought I wanted to be, back when I was in first or second grade, was... a scientist.
And so I kept thinking, "I will be a scientist!".
"But, what kind of scientist?" "
"Huh? There are different kinds of scientists? Well... I don't have a clue! But I want to be a scientist!"
PERIOD.
I never really considered the idea of being, say, an illustrator. The closest to such profession, that I ever considered (and even then I wasn't so serious) in those times, was being a singer. Yup, you read it! Obviously, that was a foolish idea. But I've always enjoyed singing, so I thought I could become good at it, and perhaps someday, have a chance to sing for an audience. But that's a different story.
So, if I'm so artistically inclined, and most people seem to agree on that fact, why am I going for something like Web Technologies, or Computer Science? I'm not even that good at math!
However, I like math, and am always willing to learn more and get better at it. And the same goes for programming, and any other thing that I decide to do. I put my mind and my energy on it, and work hard for it. Because I don't want to give up. Call me stubborn, idiotic, I don't care.
For some odd reason, I always seem to want to go against the "flow". I act and think differently from the rest, and I like it. I am dead scared of failure, yet I am always at risk of it, as if it were some sort of test. I've always felt the need to prove to myself, how far I can go. How much I can do.
Being stubborn can be bad, but it can also be good. Because, for being as stubborn as I am, is that I refuse to give up on my dreams; for as impossible as they can be for me in the present, I am always hoping that, someday, I can finally achieve them.
There are so many things I want to do; and I only have one life, that I know of. So I cannot waste any time. Because every minute I waste, is a minute that is lost forever. There is no such thing as "recovering the time we've lost". Time machines don't exist yet. Maybe someday, but not yet. :P
If only I weren't so insecure of myself. If only I weren't so impulsive, always opening my mouth before thinking. Always using the wrong words, the wrong phrases. I try to speak with both my heart and logic (sometimes they don't agree with each other, though), too, but often fail in the attempt. It's because I haven't learned to think before speaking. And that is one of the greatest obstacles I must overcome. I am mentioning this, because my personality profile says that I think before I speak. I believe that's how it should be, but right now it isn't. So I have to keep working on it. I need... to become more agile.
I don't know why I'm giving this speech. It's probably because I wanted to take it all out of my system. I don't get to talk with anyone about these matters. Not like this. But, here it is.
And to end this discussion, I'll say one more thing.
Every day, I ask myself that question. You know which. I mentioned it already. And like I already said, I don't always come to the same conclusion. I think that's because there is no way I can truly define myself.
Every morning I wake up being someone; and at night, the one who goes to sleep in that someone's place, is somebody else. Because I've grown a little more. I've changed.
The only thing that never changes, is that I keep dreaming.
I am Jessica M. Vázquez. And who is that? I don't know. Should I?
Perhaps... Just perhaps, only a dreamer.
